reasons

Most things we do or for that matter do not do in life seem to be reasonably correct, atleast when we delibrate and decide. Of course life is much easier in retrospect but then maybe looking back many if not most of the things I've done in life dont really seem to be bound or governed by any reason per se. Right from doing engg to idling time in college canteen to making friends to losing friends and then the Big Momma of all decisions, doing MBA, of course I've some reasons for these actions but then they are so intangible that calling them reasons might be a misnomer in itself.
In fact I think its the other way round most of the times. Its your life that governs the reasons and not vice versa. We get a brain wave, decide on doing something inane and then at the end of the day list down reasons for having done that thing in the very first place. The causality of actions is different from what it seems to be. I'll always have reasons for behaving in the way I behave once I've behaved that way.
But then there are certain things for which we do not have any reason. Neither before the action nor after. Some things which dont seem to warrant a reason, which happen as if an unseen hand is guiding us into doing them. There is always a strong urge not to do it, a yearning to break away and tell the other guy "Fuck Off, I wont do it for you". But then you hide the pain beneath a smile and do it. and on top of it feel utterly miserable about doing it but you do it nonetheless.
Maybe these are those behavioral aspects which you do not want to ascribe to any reason just to keep that lil amount of uncertainity in the largely mundane life. You delibrately keep some actions, some affairs, some paths free from the cobwebs of reasons maybe to appreciate their importance in your life or may be to get rid of some overriding guilt/pain or may be its that the emotions leading you onto those paths are so strong that they do not necessitate the need for any reason. As Nike says "just do it".
Talking about my own life as a case in point, most important decisions atleast ostensibly seem to have no reason behind them or should I say most important personal decisions. There are many a times when when I just want to back off, to yell out and say it is enough GOD, I've had my share of community service. But then I just stand there, wait for other ppl to fall a step behind (so that I am automatically a step ahead) do it queitly and then make an even quieter exit. I really have no reasons for beliveing that what I am doing is pleasing me as a human being or I am doing it for the fear of the heavens above, I just dont have nay reasons.
Ppl ask me, "how do you manage to be happy all the time?". my retort well all I do is "I manage to "look" happy all the time" and there is ahuge difference between the two which involves internalising lots of issues and queries towards life. Of course internalising comes at its own cost which result in a crash course of "anger management" coz when you internalise a lot, the issues all keep gathering like the lull before the storm, looking just for an opening to burst open and drench everyone. So anger management suddenly becomes important even for a notoriously calm guy like me. And again I really have no reasons why I am internalising so much. No reasons as to why some petty issues hit me where it hurts the most, no reasons as to why some serious issues really dont bother me, really no reasons.
may be 10 years dwon the line I'll find some reasons for all these actions. or even if I do not, I'll atleast ascribe some reasons so as to make myself believe that those actions were all calculated, mature ones. As I already said, life is always easier in retrospect. Alas we can not live it that way and again I really do not have any reason why?

God has his own reasons
I've mine
His reasons my destiny entwines
His orders my life defines
Voices within, tell its true
do it now for later you may rue
No reasons bound my decisions
No reasons stop His indiscretions
For His reasons my destiny entwines
God has his own reasons
and I've mine.


rohit