Long after having decided that s/w jobs is for lower mortals and I deserve something "better", these days I truly feel like questioning my decision. After spending 1.5 years at this place, suddenly the urge to get out is getting over me, time and again these days. Somehow when I raise my head from the obnoxious food in the mess, I see an array of faces, blurred by my unwillingness to recognise them. In the insti party we all jump and dance and drink apparently to enjoy life but its merely a way to run from our fears, our sorrows in life and shake away the ghosts of past from our brains.
This place has taken away a lot from me, as a person. It has been a transformation of sorts. It has given me things too but it has sucked up things which were far more preciouos to me. It has told me how to procrastinate things, how to manipulate ppl, how to free ride, how to cut ppl to size and other "managerial" qualitites. I guess life in engg days was much better with ppl around who understood you, cared for you and willing to go to any distance for friends. The camaraderie of engg days is simply missing in this life. Ppl are just to engaged in their own lives to bother about anyone else. Me, I and myself..anyone ?
I guess I am slowly becoming a type II error in the system, a bug who cant be removed and who refuses to lay quiet. At times it feels like the matrix, we all are doing things we really do not know why we are doing, as if being guided by an invisible leash. There are some 40 odd ppl on y Gtalk and there are times when I desperately want to talk to ppl, to buzz them and say hi ... but on those occasions more often than not I really do not find anyone to talk to... I guess we all have become too busy with our lives.. OUR lives and we really do not care that there is a person who might want to talk to me to kill time. I have seen next door neighbours unlocking their rooms at the same time without saying a word to eachother. ppl like SA, one of the most modest and hard working fellas I have met in this life , find themselves unwanted and out of place here. The place is just to professional it seems.
I guess fault is mine, I am trying to look for friends in a "Professional" college where everyone is looking just for a professional relationship. MT is right, "this place doesnt deserve your emotions, save them for your funeral".
I always wanted to change accordingly but sadly I couldnt which brings even more pain to me. At times I feel like running away from this place but alas thats not possible. So i'll have to wait till march when I walk out of this place finally, for good.
Seene mein jalan aankhon mein toofan sa kyun hai
Is shahar mein har shakas pareshaan sa kyun hai
rohit
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
H.E.R.O.
Some people assume greatenss and greatness is thurst upon sime people while they are in bathroom - Wonder years
Across all geograhpies, across all races, all nationalities there are few traits which run like a thread holding the pearls. one of them is the human desire to look for heroes. We find ppl whom we can look upto, for gudiance, for courage, for inspiration and also for anecdotes to read before bedtime. We all love to have our heroes.
And then some ppl become heroes because of their own actions. and some ppl become heroes because of other ppl's acts. and still other ppl become heroes because of our acts. When I feel Mahatma Gandhi is losing out appeal as a hero I move over to Sachin Tendulkar. Earlier I liked Bhagat Singh, today I like manjunaath. Times change, circumstances change, ideals which drive the world chane and so do ppl's preferences for heroes also change. But looking back , all of those ppl whom we look for inspiration when lying flat on the bed, watching the fan dissolve air currents into the gloomy room, they all remain deeply etched in our memories. they make us believe that something is still correct with this world, something is still there which can hold the world together, something... something which is stronger than all the hatred in the air.
But you need not do something extraordinary to be a hero. Commom men, doing their daily chores, truthfully and honestly can all someday be classified as heroes. Of course they wont get their names splashed across TOI or Aaj taks. But then as a hero you dont really need that. No amount of external gratification can drive a person, it just comes from within.
Ppl spend entire lifetimes after causes which appear lost, which appear impossible, beyond the reach of mere mortals. Still those mere mortals rise up, beyond their own selfish motives, beyond their own immediate needs, beyond their own riches just to see a smile on the face of person standing in front of them.
I wish I too had done something good in life, something extra, gone that extra mile, maybe just to help a friend only. But sadly it seems Heroism and me myslef remain to distant ends of a colourful rainbow. But I am sure, before I die (assuming I dont die atleast till 35 years old), Ill do that extra bit to give something back to those ppl who actually have nothing. or atleast do that extra bit to wipe off a tear from a friend's face... that wont be a bad thing for a hero to do, is it?
BTW just for the record, 2 of my very good friends N and D have got a wonderful opportunity to work on a rural education programme sposnored by a aVC. My heartiest congrats to both of them, especially N, someone who it seems is set to prove what others dont belive in. I constantly keep pulling his leg for working for the poor, "tu garibi nahin garib hatayega be", "humlog kal se garibon ki tarah neeche baithhenge" and what not. Ppl think I am a bit insensitive to this sensitivie issue. But the best part is as always I dont think I need to be talk in a serious gloomy tone about some issue just because it is perceived to be a serious one. And coming from where I have, I can always relate to what this guy is doing, relate better than many of ppl on campus. just that I feel that "har baar kuchh bolne ke liye kuchh bolna zaroori nahin hota".
I wish both N and D ATB for their quest. Maybe someday we'll indeed see a guy from R3 or R4 rising up to become a HERO. Till then we all can just wait and wish for it to happen.
Across all geograhpies, across all races, all nationalities there are few traits which run like a thread holding the pearls. one of them is the human desire to look for heroes. We find ppl whom we can look upto, for gudiance, for courage, for inspiration and also for anecdotes to read before bedtime. We all love to have our heroes.
And then some ppl become heroes because of their own actions. and some ppl become heroes because of other ppl's acts. and still other ppl become heroes because of our acts. When I feel Mahatma Gandhi is losing out appeal as a hero I move over to Sachin Tendulkar. Earlier I liked Bhagat Singh, today I like manjunaath. Times change, circumstances change, ideals which drive the world chane and so do ppl's preferences for heroes also change. But looking back , all of those ppl whom we look for inspiration when lying flat on the bed, watching the fan dissolve air currents into the gloomy room, they all remain deeply etched in our memories. they make us believe that something is still correct with this world, something is still there which can hold the world together, something... something which is stronger than all the hatred in the air.
But you need not do something extraordinary to be a hero. Commom men, doing their daily chores, truthfully and honestly can all someday be classified as heroes. Of course they wont get their names splashed across TOI or Aaj taks. But then as a hero you dont really need that. No amount of external gratification can drive a person, it just comes from within.
Ppl spend entire lifetimes after causes which appear lost, which appear impossible, beyond the reach of mere mortals. Still those mere mortals rise up, beyond their own selfish motives, beyond their own immediate needs, beyond their own riches just to see a smile on the face of person standing in front of them.
I wish I too had done something good in life, something extra, gone that extra mile, maybe just to help a friend only. But sadly it seems Heroism and me myslef remain to distant ends of a colourful rainbow. But I am sure, before I die (assuming I dont die atleast till 35 years old), Ill do that extra bit to give something back to those ppl who actually have nothing. or atleast do that extra bit to wipe off a tear from a friend's face... that wont be a bad thing for a hero to do, is it?
BTW just for the record, 2 of my very good friends N and D have got a wonderful opportunity to work on a rural education programme sposnored by a aVC. My heartiest congrats to both of them, especially N, someone who it seems is set to prove what others dont belive in. I constantly keep pulling his leg for working for the poor, "tu garibi nahin garib hatayega be", "humlog kal se garibon ki tarah neeche baithhenge" and what not. Ppl think I am a bit insensitive to this sensitivie issue. But the best part is as always I dont think I need to be talk in a serious gloomy tone about some issue just because it is perceived to be a serious one. And coming from where I have, I can always relate to what this guy is doing, relate better than many of ppl on campus. just that I feel that "har baar kuchh bolne ke liye kuchh bolna zaroori nahin hota".
I wish both N and D ATB for their quest. Maybe someday we'll indeed see a guy from R3 or R4 rising up to become a HERO. Till then we all can just wait and wish for it to happen.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
the Cinderella man
yesterday I saw a brilliant movie, The cinderella man. Russel crowe as an old worn out boxer who makes one of most remarkable come backs in the history of modern boxing. the movie was moving to say the least. Seeing the once great boxer surviving the great depression looking for work in docks was shaking in itself.
But I could relate to the movie at an altogether different level, at an emotional level.As I was just chatting with S about life and how most of the time (that is a subtle way of saying all of the time) I havent got what I have wished for, badly ! be it IIT D or IIM C or the gal I like(d) or HLL or for that matter anything else, I usually have to settle for 2nd or 3rd best. No cribbing about that as there are ppl who fare even worse than I do.
But these things have had a very different bearing on me as a person, something I can relate to the movie, one-on-one. I am no longer willing to accept failures. I hate them I detest them so strongly that I'll go to the last goddamn corner of earth to make sure I do not fail. The best shot in the movie was one when a boxer lands a super thud on crowe's face and his jaw cover flys out of his mouth. He is about to fall and then the snaps of his penurious existence (which'll contiune if he loses) flashes before his eyes. the shanty, the hungry kids, a tense wife, empty milk bottles, pile of non pain bills, long labour queues...everything which he hated. that pure hatred made him stand again and fight.
Something similar happens within me. ppl tell me I work hard on projects.... previous failures make me do that. I make up for lack of intellectual prowess by simply putting in more effort. Failures drive me hard. I hated myself to the bone when I came 10/10 in INDEX... I just couldn't lose it. ppl can vouch for the amount of effort I put in next proposal.
I guess it did not really began so late in my life...with failulres in IIT , or elsewhere. Not getting what you love is different. I think it began much earlier. Formative years you can say. Living in one room rented houses...seeing mom stretch hard to make the monthly budget stand.... watching dad do overtime to get to where he is today.... I think it began right then.... an effort to come out of that strata and move up ...way up in life.Something which drove crowe in the movie... a hatred to where he belonged. Somehow having seen poverty from very close quarters has changed somethign within me...Somehow sleeping in a one room rented house on the floor with just one fan in the month of June in Delhi doesnt sound much appealing does it.
On one hand I think it is good. I have learned how to fight for things in life... atleast on professional front if not on personal front...personal front still the same old story of losses is continuing... rather it never ended. I am still where I started from.
At times I feel I need to be at peace with myself. S says I just get too much worked up about things. I feel he is correct. Having lost most battles in life or shall I say some of the most important battles in your life does makes me different from some of the other guys who have done better in life so far. I still remeber mock Cats... getting 99 %ile was not enough... I needed to be there... right there with the toppers. and I did that..just that... cant fail in CAT after failing JEE.
I do not think even the ppl closest to me understand this... maybe they'll have to live my life and I'll have to live their's if I have to understand their perspective and they have to understand mine.But I guess that is difficult to happen, so maybe till that happens my blog will continue to be a bit eccentric.
rohit
But I could relate to the movie at an altogether different level, at an emotional level.As I was just chatting with S about life and how most of the time (that is a subtle way of saying all of the time) I havent got what I have wished for, badly ! be it IIT D or IIM C or the gal I like(d) or HLL or for that matter anything else, I usually have to settle for 2nd or 3rd best. No cribbing about that as there are ppl who fare even worse than I do.
But these things have had a very different bearing on me as a person, something I can relate to the movie, one-on-one. I am no longer willing to accept failures. I hate them I detest them so strongly that I'll go to the last goddamn corner of earth to make sure I do not fail. The best shot in the movie was one when a boxer lands a super thud on crowe's face and his jaw cover flys out of his mouth. He is about to fall and then the snaps of his penurious existence (which'll contiune if he loses) flashes before his eyes. the shanty, the hungry kids, a tense wife, empty milk bottles, pile of non pain bills, long labour queues...everything which he hated. that pure hatred made him stand again and fight.
Something similar happens within me. ppl tell me I work hard on projects.... previous failures make me do that. I make up for lack of intellectual prowess by simply putting in more effort. Failures drive me hard. I hated myself to the bone when I came 10/10 in INDEX... I just couldn't lose it. ppl can vouch for the amount of effort I put in next proposal.
I guess it did not really began so late in my life...with failulres in IIT , or elsewhere. Not getting what you love is different. I think it began much earlier. Formative years you can say. Living in one room rented houses...seeing mom stretch hard to make the monthly budget stand.... watching dad do overtime to get to where he is today.... I think it began right then.... an effort to come out of that strata and move up ...way up in life.Something which drove crowe in the movie... a hatred to where he belonged. Somehow having seen poverty from very close quarters has changed somethign within me...Somehow sleeping in a one room rented house on the floor with just one fan in the month of June in Delhi doesnt sound much appealing does it.
On one hand I think it is good. I have learned how to fight for things in life... atleast on professional front if not on personal front...personal front still the same old story of losses is continuing... rather it never ended. I am still where I started from.
At times I feel I need to be at peace with myself. S says I just get too much worked up about things. I feel he is correct. Having lost most battles in life or shall I say some of the most important battles in your life does makes me different from some of the other guys who have done better in life so far. I still remeber mock Cats... getting 99 %ile was not enough... I needed to be there... right there with the toppers. and I did that..just that... cant fail in CAT after failing JEE.
I do not think even the ppl closest to me understand this... maybe they'll have to live my life and I'll have to live their's if I have to understand their perspective and they have to understand mine.But I guess that is difficult to happen, so maybe till that happens my blog will continue to be a bit eccentric.
rohit
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