yeh kaisa shahar hai

Long after having decided that s/w jobs is for lower mortals and I deserve something "better", these days I truly feel like questioning my decision. After spending 1.5 years at this place, suddenly the urge to get out is getting over me, time and again these days. Somehow when I raise my head from the obnoxious food in the mess, I see an array of faces, blurred by my unwillingness to recognise them. In the insti party we all jump and dance and drink apparently to enjoy life but its merely a way to run from our fears, our sorrows in life and shake away the ghosts of past from our brains.

This place has taken away a lot from me, as a person. It has been a transformation of sorts. It has given me things too but it has sucked up things which were far more preciouos to me. It has told me how to procrastinate things, how to manipulate ppl, how to free ride, how to cut ppl to size and other "managerial" qualitites. I guess life in engg days was much better with ppl around who understood you, cared for you and willing to go to any distance for friends. The camaraderie of engg days is simply missing in this life. Ppl are just to engaged in their own lives to bother about anyone else. Me, I and myself..anyone ?

I guess I am slowly becoming a type II error in the system, a bug who cant be removed and who refuses to lay quiet. At times it feels like the matrix, we all are doing things we really do not know why we are doing, as if being guided by an invisible leash. There are some 40 odd ppl on y Gtalk and there are times when I desperately want to talk to ppl, to buzz them and say hi ... but on those occasions more often than not I really do not find anyone to talk to... I guess we all have become too busy with our lives.. OUR lives and we really do not care that there is a person who might want to talk to me to kill time. I have seen next door neighbours unlocking their rooms at the same time without saying a word to eachother. ppl like SA, one of the most modest and hard working fellas I have met in this life , find themselves unwanted and out of place here. The place is just to professional it seems.

I guess fault is mine, I am trying to look for friends in a "Professional" college where everyone is looking just for a professional relationship. MT is right, "this place doesnt deserve your emotions, save them for your funeral".

I always wanted to change accordingly but sadly I couldnt which brings even more pain to me. At times I feel like running away from this place but alas thats not possible. So i'll have to wait till march when I walk out of this place finally, for good.

Seene mein jalan aankhon mein toofan sa kyun hai
Is shahar mein har shakas pareshaan sa kyun hai

rohit