the Cinderella man

yesterday I saw a brilliant movie, The cinderella man. Russel crowe as an old worn out boxer who makes one of most remarkable come backs in the history of modern boxing. the movie was moving to say the least. Seeing the once great boxer surviving the great depression looking for work in docks was shaking in itself.

But I could relate to the movie at an altogether different level, at an emotional level.As I was just chatting with S about life and how most of the time (that is a subtle way of saying all of the time) I havent got what I have wished for, badly ! be it IIT D or IIM C or the gal I like(d) or HLL or for that matter anything else, I usually have to settle for 2nd or 3rd best. No cribbing about that as there are ppl who fare even worse than I do.

But these things have had a very different bearing on me as a person, something I can relate to the movie, one-on-one. I am no longer willing to accept failures. I hate them I detest them so strongly that I'll go to the last goddamn corner of earth to make sure I do not fail. The best shot in the movie was one when a boxer lands a super thud on crowe's face and his jaw cover flys out of his mouth. He is about to fall and then the snaps of his penurious existence (which'll contiune if he loses) flashes before his eyes. the shanty, the hungry kids, a tense wife, empty milk bottles, pile of non pain bills, long labour queues...everything which he hated. that pure hatred made him stand again and fight.

Something similar happens within me. ppl tell me I work hard on projects.... previous failures make me do that. I make up for lack of intellectual prowess by simply putting in more effort. Failures drive me hard. I hated myself to the bone when I came 10/10 in INDEX... I just couldn't lose it. ppl can vouch for the amount of effort I put in next proposal.

I guess it did not really began so late in my life...with failulres in IIT , or elsewhere. Not getting what you love is different. I think it began much earlier. Formative years you can say. Living in one room rented houses...seeing mom stretch hard to make the monthly budget stand.... watching dad do overtime to get to where he is today.... I think it began right then.... an effort to come out of that strata and move up ...way up in life.Something which drove crowe in the movie... a hatred to where he belonged. Somehow having seen poverty from very close quarters has changed somethign within me...Somehow sleeping in a one room rented house on the floor with just one fan in the month of June in Delhi doesnt sound much appealing does it.

On one hand I think it is good. I have learned how to fight for things in life... atleast on professional front if not on personal front...personal front still the same old story of losses is continuing... rather it never ended. I am still where I started from.

At times I feel I need to be at peace with myself. S says I just get too much worked up about things. I feel he is correct. Having lost most battles in life or shall I say some of the most important battles in your life does makes me different from some of the other guys who have done better in life so far. I still remeber mock Cats... getting 99 %ile was not enough... I needed to be there... right there with the toppers. and I did that..just that... cant fail in CAT after failing JEE.

I do not think even the ppl closest to me understand this... maybe they'll have to live my life and I'll have to live their's if I have to understand their perspective and they have to understand mine.But I guess that is difficult to happen, so maybe till that happens my blog will continue to be a bit eccentric.


rohit